DASH DASH DAN DAN DA DAN

My life is miserable. No boyfriend, no love, no stepfather anymore, and I really don't even want friends or family anymore. Work is going to suck, work will suck, and then I will get frusturated. School is going to be hard, school will be very hard.

I almost want to an hero.

I'm having a mental breakdown, brb.

The Best Night of My Life

On Tuesday night I drove up to Fresno with Christine and Kenny. I dropped them off at Brandi's house, and called the love of my life (who will remain unnamed, but its not like you'd know him anyways), to see if he was down to chill.

It was about half past midnight. He gave me the address and the gate code, and I made my way in. He opened the door and my heart stopped. I wrapped my arms around him, and he held me tightly. He led me to his room, and we talked for a bit, sitting next to each other on the edge of his bed. He layed down, and I lay across his feet as we began to watch the movie he had selected.

I complained about how he was kicking me. He laughed and said, "well, you're laying on it wrong."

The love of my life had a girlfriend. And as mentioned before, that wouldve been me if I hadn't made some stupid mistake. I didn't want to burst his bubble, or make him feel uncomfortable.. But I listened and I lay parallel to him, just distant.

As time passed by, we lay closer and closer to each other.. One arm under my head, and the other around me, either around my waist or caressing me in some way.

He went on his computer at one point, and I fell asleep. I then sometime later felt his hand rubbing my side, touching my hair, and tickling me lightly. I pretended to be asleep, but then I gave in and looked at him. His smile always made me melt.. That entire night it seemed like we always had to be either holding hands or in each other's arms..

There was no sex, no inappropriate shenanigans, no kissing.. Just holding and caressing.. And let me tell you, it was the best night of my life. For years I've been wanting to be held in his arms..

But now I go back to crying.. Crying until the sun comes up because, well, he's not mine.. And he probably never will be.. But I know he knows that I will always love him, and I will be right here if he ever changes his mind..

TONIGHT WAS WIN.

Went and saw the Misfits. I was kinda down for the first two bands, but then I met this really super cute guy named Joe. Oh GOD, was he hot. We talked and smoked together, and towards the end of the show, he was standing to the side, so I grabbed him, we linked arms, and moshed hardcore together. He said he'd never linked arms with anyone during a mosh, and that it was his first time.

OKAY I'M DONE SOUNDING LIKE A LITTLE HIGH SCHOOLER THAT MET A CUTE GUY AT THE GROCERY STORE OR SOMETHING.

But I DID give him my number, and he DID text me.

All is well for today. All is well.

Deer/Road Gremlin/Street Devil/Chubacabra

As most of you have heard, I had a near-death experience. Ish. So, here's the story.

It was about 3:45AM when Cody 1, Karissa, Cody A and I all decided to go to Linda Vista Hospital in Boyle Heights, CA. We thought, hey, why not? We all can't sleep and there's nothing really to do. So, I get Cody A (Dexter) in the car, and grab Karissa and Cody 1 and their place off of State Street.

We're driving along for about, oh, an hour or so, and we had just passed Calabassas (or whatever the fuck it's called), when out of nowhere, a deer appears in front of my car. Now let's take life, and slow it down to a slow motion. I had a split second to pick between two decisions:

a. I can hit the stupid thing, total my car, and severely injure us.
b. I can attempt to avoid it, possibly total my car, and still possibly severely injure us.

I go with decision b, and start to swerve to the right. Observing that the deer is running to the left, I thought that if I swerved right, it would keep going to the left. WRONG. The deer ran in my direction. I hit the breaks, drift around it, fish tailing towards the side, then I change the direction of the vehicle, realize I'm losing control, and attempt to gain control by turning into the spins, my car doing a 180 at least three times (so that's like, 500something), and I stop.

Nobody had said a word.

Nobody made a sound.

(Except for Cody A, he gasped really loud.)

Nobody cried.

Until we realized: WE'RE FACING THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

Cars are coming towards me, and I close my eyes for a second, hoping they will see my hazard lights, and they will avoid me, and that they aren't drunk, and won't hit me. The five or six cars avoid me, I turn my car back on [it had stalled], turned around, and took the next exit because shit, now we all had to piss.

But I assure you, that if I wasn't of my senses, I would've hit something (either the abundance of trees, or center divider), and totaled my car, and been severely injured, and severely injured the other three people in my car.

And I assure you that if I was alone, I would've flipped the vehicle and died.

It's totally my theme song.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

This my theme song. It totally is.

So c'mon, let me take your hand and take you far away.

Anxiety Attack Log

I haven't had anxiety attacks in over five years. I've had two in the past few days.

Anxiety Attack #1:

The pre-orders at Hollywood Video are made to be as complicated as possible. My manager was out of town, and the manager on duty had no idea what to do either. It really really bothers the living shit out of me when I don't know how to do something. I have an anxiety attack due to having to call my district manager and three different store managers, and they barely even knew what they were talking about.. Except Jason at the Arroyo Grande (yes, a town called the Big Hole) store. He usually knows his motherfuckin' shit.

Anxiety Attack #2:

On my way to work, I nudge a pedestrian with my vehicle on accident. I then nearly have a nervous breakdown, and a three hour long anxiety attack.

What the hell, man?

Hmmm.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

Yeah, every mistake.

I need you. You're the love of my life. I've tried to move on, I've tried to listen to you. It never works.

Excuse me, Captain Jean Luc Picard..

lol whut.

As for other things, I've been pretty pissed all day. My grandfather is close minded, my mother has no idea what she's talking about, Verizon people aren't getting my text messages right, and Sprint people are getting them weird.

WHAT THE HELL.

I think Matt Martinez either died or is stuck in a bondage thing with his girlfriend.

I'm not sure which.

If you can see this now..

Denise is mocking me.

SOMEBODY PLEASE..

..Disregard this post.

Batman made me realize something.

I'm gonna stay here for the time being.

Why do I still call him Batman?

Without Life

A person once told me, "stop being hard on yourself." I couldn't. I just can't anymore. Is this a sign from God to tell me, "moving to SoCal was stupid, you fuck face." I can't make friends, I can't have a life.. I often find myself eating cereal in front of the television by myself watching Grey's Anatomy. People judge me here because of my age.

People rub it in my face, that I'm not old enough to hang out with them or do the things they do. They make sure they repeat it at least more than five times to make sure I get it through my young seventeen year old head. They pick at me, they make fun of me. They ask me when I get older, which is in less than two months, and they laugh even more.

I cannot find love here. I cannot find anything close to love here. Everyone that I loved, or have loved, has slipped away somehow. I tried to be the girl everyone wanted. I even stopped trying at one point, and attracted a few idiots. I confessed my ever long lasting love to someone, only to get pushed away harder than ever. Once my love was pushed away from my own pitiful mistakes, then my love was pushed away because they had to leave to a far away place, and there's a handful of reasons for others. Especially my favorite, "you're just a friend."

Do I save money and break my lease? To find a place back in the bay? Do I go back to the life where I had a life? A reputation? A name in two different scenes? Or do I just suck it up and deal with it? What do I do?

I just want some love. I just want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to.. make me feel something again.

Without Love

I'm in love with someone. Very, very much. I can't have this person. I had this person at one point in my life, as they had me. I went through a bunch of shit in one year, and pushed everyone out of my life. Because of that mistake, he's with someone else. My stupidity lost me the love of my life.

And now after seeing him yesterday, it hurts even more.

It hurts to know I don't have him because of my mistakes.

Maybe if I wait, I'll get another chance.

But that never happens, so I'm going to run away to Australia because I don't know what do anymore. I'm unmotivated. I'm done.

THESE TWO MEN ARE MY HEROES.

YOU KNOW..

Ever since stupider people like Sarah Palin came into play, I completely forgot about George Bush's existence.

Lady Miss Sonic's Laziest Week Ever.

- I told RJ about some personal quotes Jodie Foster had. He said, "She's fairy god-kick ass auntie. Like really, I'm scared Jodie Foster would kick my ass." I replied, "Well Jodie enjoys kickboxing, yoga, karate, and fancy kitchenware." He then said, "You know what? If anything, she's going to kick my ass with the fancy kitchenware."

- I woke up at three yesterday. I ate ramen, and went to work. Then I watched people play video games.

- Maiove made a Facebook, and added me. I text her and said, "Yay! You made a facebook!" She replied, "I forgot the password already."

- I text Kevin when I woke up, "Weirdest dream ever." He asked, "Was it reality based, or just fantasy?" I sighed and said, "Let's just put it this way. I convinced you to go to a rave and we got REALLY fucked up. Take it from there." He still has not replied.

- At work, Batman and I were watching the behind the scenes for the new Indiana Jones movie. George Lucas said, "I really wanted it to be called Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men." Both of our jaws dropped. Batman grabbed the remote and said, "I need to rewind this shit, because I cannot fucking believe he just said that."

- Hannah Hayworth came to Hollywood Video last night. She handed me a piece of gum. "Here's for now," and another, "here's for later," and another, "and here's for even later." I didn't say anything.

- Hannah informed me that she's moving to Monteceito. All I could say was "DDDDAAAAMMMNN GGGIIIRRRRRRLLL." I wonder if she'll be living near Oprah.

- In a video game we were playing last night (which will remain untitled because it hasn't been released yet), we made an amazing "railway rifle," out of a crutch, pressure cooker, railroad pins, a motor from a lawn mower, and a pilot light. It was the most badass thing on the planet.

DEAR GOD.

I just about piss my pants.

College Kids: The Food That's Easy and IN

There's lots of cheap food out there, kids! No need to be malnourished, or hungry. Work a little bit, and stop eating fast food.. Cook at home. Save yourself some money, and enjoy it in front of the TV. You'll enjoy it more because, hey, it's yummy, and YOU made it.



Campbell's Soup is the SHIT. Let me tell you! I just had a bowl of it.. and one can filled me up pretty good. For some soups you add a can of milk, and some a can of broth or water, put it on the stove, and BAM. Heat to your desire, and it's done. It's good, not too bad for you, and only $10 for 10 at Albertson's!



Top Ramen. I get the shrimp flavor because I don't eat meat. But it's TOP RAMEN. IT'S $1 FOR FIVE OF THEM. And I have a sodium deficiency, so it rules.



Lean Cuisine frozen dinners are cool, too. They're 3 for $9.99.. They're pretty good, I must say so myself.



So you might not like those fruit cups (trust me, neither do I), or the fruit salad your mother makes you. So just get the fruit you like. You can't for get about vitamin c, and fruits are very good for you, and can help you in the long run. You girls out there, vitamin c helps you when you're on your period.. It does something with producing blood cells faster. So just get an apple or an orange, maybe two.



Nobody likes all vegetables. Unless you're Iron Chef Marimoto or Bobby Flay, there's some vegetables you hate. So, get the ones you like. Get some carrots and ranch, celery and peanut butter. Whatever, nourish yourself with what you like. Get a salad with romaine lettuce and some balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

I can hear Trash Nasty saying it, "Why hello Lady Miss Rachael Ray."

punditkitchen.com = the best party ever.

roflrofl.

OTHER POSTERS: did you all die?

LOL @ SARAH PALN.

We Think

We all think, in all times of the day. But when we're alone, we think more. We realize and observe more when we think on our own. When we're going through our days, sometimes we doze off, and a thought crosses our mind, and the thought ends at the blink of an eye. But when we're alone, we can take the thought and analyze it. We take the different possibilities and outcomes and plug them with the thought until we run out of ideas.

This is how we drive ourselves insane.

Sometimes we think about people. People we love, people we hate. When we think out both, it affects us on the outside without us realizing it. When we approach the people we fall in love with, millions of thoughts, and the thoughts about those thoughts, run through our head all at once, and we mix and match. And then we do stupid things, and say stupid things that we shouldn't have said, or admit.

Its that little bit of craziness that we create. That slightest bit of insanity, that keeps the world turning. But someday, that insanity will turn for the better.

Someday.