Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A person once told me, "stop being hard on yourself." I couldn't. I just can't anymore. Is this a sign from God to tell me, "moving to SoCal was stupid, you fuck face." I can't make friends, I can't have a life.. I often find myself eating cereal in front of the television by myself watching Grey's Anatomy. People judge me here because of my age.
People rub it in my face, that I'm not old enough to hang out with them or do the things they do. They make sure they repeat it at least more than five times to make sure I get it through my young seventeen year old head. They pick at me, they make fun of me. They ask me when I get older, which is in less than two months, and they laugh even more.
I cannot find love here. I cannot find anything close to love here. Everyone that I loved, or have loved, has slipped away somehow. I tried to be the girl everyone wanted. I even stopped trying at one point, and attracted a few idiots. I confessed my ever long lasting love to someone, only to get pushed away harder than ever. Once my love was pushed away from my own pitiful mistakes, then my love was pushed away because they had to leave to a far away place, and there's a handful of reasons for others. Especially my favorite, "you're just a friend."
Do I save money and break my lease? To find a place back in the bay? Do I go back to the life where I had a life? A reputation? A name in two different scenes? Or do I just suck it up and deal with it? What do I do?
I just want some love. I just want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to.. make me feel something again.