To the People of Santa Barbara:

Stop wearing those god damned ugly plastic flower-printed rain boots. You're 53, not five. Grow up.

Learn how to drive. I was reversing first, and you decided we could both fit. No. I don't care if you're a customer of mine, I'll give you the finger as easy as I give it to my ex-boyfriends.

We're Hollywood Video. No, we don't sell music. Stop asking.

Why do you guys love writing checks SO much?

You're older than my mom and you're wearing a halter top with no bra, a mini skirt, and flip flops. Nice cottage cheese thighs, Santa Barbara Moms, but please, get over yourself.

There's a big sign outside that says Hollywood Video. You're all idiots.

Isla Vista: clean up. When your town has its own unrecognizable STD, there's a problem.

Santa Barbara: you won't have drive-thrus because of emission rates? I'm sure the fact that the 101 is two lanes and thousands of cars sit there for hours is worse for your air.

Really? A special permit to hang banners in front of stores? Plastic doesn't ruin emission, rich people do.

xoxo, lady mi$$ sonic