Monday, November 10, 2008
Dear Diary... Today I had a bad day.
Today wasn't actually a bad day, but it was a massively insecure one. I was a wreck! And now I need to vent... all day, I had negative thoughts running through my mind, and a couple of insecure moments....ugh. being insecure is my least favorite emotion, and consesquently, I don't feel it very often. When I do, I probably don't act any different than normal, but boy, do I feel wrong.
A list of the insecurities that passed through my mind today:(most of these are usually hidden beyond knowledge)
what do people think about me?
this usually doesn't affect me at all, but today i was playing imaginiff with some people, and their answers were so horribly different from mine on just about everything.
why am I being paranoid?
It's a conspiracy.
I was sure there was a spoon there a minute ago...
Have I made the right life choices?
The answer is usually live in the moment, what happens happened, but today I was second guessing everything
My penis size.
In addition, how does a man measure up, when most of those he's being measured against are women? There aren't any good answers to that one.
Did I clean the house satisfactorily?
I've been asigned the chore of cleaning the house in return for money. win/win, if I can do it.
My agoraphobia and extreme social anxiety kicked in today, simply because I was thnking of a high stress situation. Those piss me off afterwards, because when they are switched on, I want to curl up into a ball and rock back and forth. Fuck 'em.
I was worried about every minute, insignificant detail and what effect that those details would have on the people aroudn me. Including my girlfriend.
Insecure about everything, even being insecure/nervous/worrisome.
Bleh. i want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow without this. i think I shall.
Posted by Matt Wanderers at 7:04 PM