Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Just Don't Know

With my colleague a mess and out of control like never before, I just don't know what to do. He's never been or felt like this before, and there's honestly nothing I can do about it some three hundred miles away. Even if I was home, all I could offer him was my shoulder to cry on, some alcohol, and Warriors Orochi. But unfortunately I feel like a bad best friend, the little sister who can't do shit. I honestly cannot remember a time where I haven't been there for him (I'm sure there's one or two), and now here I am, not able to do anything. I feel like shit; I can't help him. And my god I've never felt worse in my life.

Let's talk about Brooks Institute. This is a little something to all the haters out there: I missed hella school because I really was sick, you assholes. Would you really think that I would be one of those weak fucks and simply drop out? Who do you think I am? However, I am afraid I'm not going to make it. I can't make up ANY of my 4x5 assignments because money is low. Living on my own is going to be expensive and hard as hell, but I think somehow I'll make it through that portion. Like Chuck said, all the sickness and pain was probably from stress, and I need to learn how to manage and control it by getting everything done as soon as it's thrown to me. But it's not as easy as it sounds. I'd probably be able to do my work if I wasn't as stressed.

I love my job. I've wanted to work at Hollywood Video since I was fourteen. I used to do returns and scan movies in for people because my friends and I stayed around at Game Crazy and Hollywood Video so much. Even last year, I used to help Tim (the store manager, who now transferred to Vallejo), organize things and do some projects around the store. If I hadn't left the bay area, I would've been a shift leader. A fucking shift leader, with people working below me. I've technically been trained as a shift, and every time I go home, Tony tells me he wishes I would have stayed, because he really wants me to be shift. I just have something to say: If I don't get shift, I might have to whoop the donkey's ass. I just stole that from Winamp. I'm losing my mind.

I'm also WAY tired of people judging me for my age. Back at home, nobody cared about how young I was. People thought it was cool that I was so young, actually. Here? It's like an insult. So if anybody can get me a legit fake ID, I'm so down.

I miss intimacy and love. I can't find anyone. I miss that so much. I like someone, and then they don't like me back. It's a constant cycle I've been going through since like, the fourth grade.

I never thought I'd ever say this: God please help me.

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